The first note

On January 1, 2009, I decided to start living again.

After basking in the glow of the decision to start living again, I stopped. I told myself, "ok, so you decided to start living again. Good for you. Now how do you go about doing it?"

Damn good question. I find that I have this tendency to ask myself questions without knowing the answer (and, in the process, digging a deep hole for myself).

Took me a while to realize the answer to that (yes yes, the choice of the blog title was a lame effort to make it a bit more creative, but it wasn't exactly AN HOUR past dawn of the new year!), but I eventually did. The trouble stemmed from the confusion I had over my actions in the past 2.5 months of 2008 - was that not "living?" Weren't all my actions at that time counted as part of living again?

I realize now that it was not living. It was surviving.

It was surviving by cramming a lot of activities into a 24-hour time slot so as to forget the pain. It was surviving by throwing myself crazily into any activity at all that could keep my mind and body occupied so I wouldn't have to THINK.

But by the middle of December, I was starting to realize - in my heart, if not in my head - that what I was doing wasn't living. It wasn't life at all. It was a poor facsimile of life.

Not to belittle the heroic efforts of my family and friends - far from it. I would not have survived without all these people, and my realization does not in any way diminish the appreciation that I have for the few close friends who totally went out of their way to keep me alive, sane, and fit.

But life isn't just a list of activities that you do for the sake of doing it - that's just passing the time. Life is living each day of your life with passion - by doing something which you truly believe means something to you and would make you a better person. Life is living each day without knowing if the next day would ever come - and rather than letting it depress you, it galvanizes you to do better and better.

Poetic? Maybe. Crap? Not at all.

I'm not perfect at all - far from it. But I can proudly say that every day I'm a slightly better person than I was the day before.

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This is the first note in my new blog, and this blog signifies a new phase of my life. My old blog is still around and I've written my final note on that phase of my life. Yet before I close it off, I wanted to publicly acknowledge the few people in my life who helped me reach the hour past the dawn during the last 3 months of 2008 and even until today.

My mom, my dad, my sister. Despite my many screw ups in the world, at the first sign of a) emotional distress, and b) physical danger, my family was there every step of the way. Indeed, the only thing I regret was not bringing them into my life (well, parts of it) earlier. My mom, my dad, and yes, even my sister (who did not let distance or varied time zones get in the way dispensing sisterly advice) really formed a cordon around me, and woe betid the person who tried to hurt me or take advantage of me at that time. I had a lot of long (and way overdue) talks with my mom (who finally was able to play the role of my mom to the fullest, after years of trying to hold herself back!), my dad (who finally was able to tell me point blank what I needed to hear) and my sister (who, despite my lame attempt 18 years ago to hit her with a thrown flashlight, still stuck around and gave me her "ate" advice) and I tell you, I'm a much better person because of it. When there was a threat of physical harm to myself, they acted so fast that even I was dumbfounded. I wouldn't have survived without them - mom, dad, ats, in case you do get to read this (and even if you don't, fret not, I made sure to tell you anyway), thank you for being there for me.

Jay, Marvin, Doms, Allan, Peps, Aldrin. For all the pep talks, the drinks, the YM debates, SMS queries if I'm still ok, LAN sessions, and the reminders that I deserve better in life - thank you. I understand why you all decided to not tell me what you knew in the past, and it's all effin' forgiven. But do that again and I'll do worse things than leave you behind in Left4Dead. :P

Anama, Anj, Gloria, Falqi, Mars, Jill, Paulo, Jobim, Mike, Legs, Kichi. Since I spend a significant amount of time in the office (at least 10 hours a day), I spent a lot of time with you in OND08, and bloody hell did you all make sure that I kept myself sane. Thank you for filling up my days and nights with different activities - airsoft, basketball, ultimate, running, dinners, movies, roadtrips, insta-clubbing nights. But beyond that, thank you for reminding me that I shouldn't bloody be lowering my standards at all, and for being the constant reminder that yes, it wasn't all my fault.

Anama and Anj. Specifically for choosing to still be my friends despite the threats to life and limb that you received because of your association to me. Yes, we all know it was funny, but I was honestly worried that you would distance yourself from me because of that, and I wouldn't be able to blame you if you did. So thanks. High five!

Pat, Essa, Roy, Ekis, Tito Monch, Ria, Sol, Nines, Benj, Vickie, Lerie, Obi. Yes, to my Wine-and-Cheese group. For all the emails, SMS messages, and frequent dinners that we've had. You guys are my moral compass. Thank you. 'Nuff said.

2009 brought in so much more people into my life whom I've known and become close to in various degrees. And of course, 2009 was the year that introduced me to Gail (more on her in subsequent posts!). But that is a whole different story, which talks about not just how I decided to live again, but how I went about it as well.

Yes, I'm back to my old (yet new!) blogging self. :)